Day 4: No Clue what to do next...

Another day went by and yet don't know where I want to be life. I'm 22 and a 5th year in college and yet don't know what I want to do be for the rest of the life? That's lame huh? I thought i knew what i wanted to be. I look at the grades that I'm getting for my classes it seems that I'm not putting my effort into school. Well the truth is that I'm not. Ever since that certain circumstance I stop trying. 

I'm just here sitting here with a cup of hot chocolate and typing my thoughts down and see whether or not if it's helping me to clear up my head. So far, I just got that I want to stop going to school but school is not for me. I give up. I totally do, it doesn't matter how much effort I put into a class... I still fail it. I'm failure. I know that and I'm not putting myself down, I'm just accepting the facts. I should just find myself a good job and go with that. 

I dont know what to do with my life

I have always thought I knew what i wanted to be in life but after certain circumstances, I really don't know. I have been doubting if I still want to continue coming to college. I feel weird being here in school and pretending that I want to be here. A few months back, I was determine to go to grad school after graduation and now I'm worried that I won't even make it to graduation. What's happening to me, that I dont have the energy to do anything anymore. I've been thinking about what I truly love doing and this what I came up with. I think my true passion would be writing.
Creative writing to be more specific, I have always enjoyed writing (not essays) it’s something that I has made me pretty happy with. I write about, mostly about what I wanted my life to be like. Just get this, I love writing my thoughts in paper, in the computer even in my notes in class. Even though I’m not a good writer, I could always improve to be the best. I have always wanted to write a book and actually finish it but I never get the chance to. Another thing I love is photography, I have always wanted to be a famous photographer that goes out in the world and takes pictures. I would have love to do that. The other day my mom was talking to my younger sister Nancy about having her own business in photography, like she’s taking a class and my mom thinks she could benefit from that, earning cash with something she loves doing. I want things like that. I feel like right now I’m just wasting my life in school. I’ve been in school for almost 18 years. And what have I gotten from that? NOTHING.

I feel lost in this world of confusion. Reality... Why is time going by so quick? Why did I have to grow up so fast? I'm 22, yes 22. I'm pretending to say I'm 21 to feel younger because I'm afraid to face the real world after this is over. I need to face fact and confront what's out there. I'm too scared. What am I suppose to do????

Can't Do THis No More

Writing is the only comfort I have; it is the only way to express all my emotions and feelings without having to talking about it with someone. I don’t know if I’m never going to recover from this. I think this time I over did it and the worst thing is that I can’t take it back. I can’t even describe the feeling that I’m feeling right now. I feel this pain inside, a pain that is killing me every second. It’s hard to pretend that everything is alright when it’s not. I have to pretend that nothing happen in reality something happen.

A NEw me!

I don’t know there are circumstances in which one can’t avoid coming face to face with. I know that I’m writing in English but I think it’s an emergency. I have a lot in my mind and I want to jot them down before it goes away. To start off, the semester is coming to an end, scary right? Tell me about it, I feel that we barely started like all dreams this dream is coming to an end in four weeks. And I’m nervous, the only thing I’m worried about is about the presentation on Thursday for my Chicano/ Latino class, I need to give a presentation about the DREAM Act/ AB540 and get this I also need to go to a school board meeting at the school district that I attended. So much to do in a little time right? The semester is even ending and I’m still freaking out in my head. I’m nervous, my whole body is shaking as if I was sick or something. I know I suppose to be finishing up my Lab report for my PHSC lab, but it’s an emergency. After writing down my thoughts I will continue, I promise. My weekend, I think I’m finally happy. I think the help of that special person that is always watching over me, will help me achieve my goals. I just need to have faith in my self. Anything is possible if you have confidence in yourself. I realize the reason that I was sad, I had a lot inside of me and finally this Saturday I went to confess and after that I felt relieve. I felt free and happy, I never felt this way, well not for a long time. I think that’s what I needed. I just needed to let out my pain and now I feel fresh. I could start fresh.

I have so much energy in me right now. One of goals this week is not to think about Elvis that much. I really do like him but I have to show myself that I really do like him by not talking or thinking about him that much. I honestly this time I want to take a step at a step. I don’t want be going fast, I think that’s why things don’t work out. Hey, but I don’t end up with him it’s find. I know GOD has a different plan for me. I should understand that things will happen when they need to happen, I don’t have to rush into things. I should have patience which I have a lack of. This week, is holy week. You know what I realize, yesterday it was Palm Sunday, and I realize how pack it was. I told my mom, why isn’t the church pack every Sunday. I’m not saying that I go to church every Sunday I feel bad of that, but why does the church get pack only on the important days of the church, why don’t they come every Sunday. really, after this Sunday it has got me really thinking about it. Oh get this, before going to bed yesterday I was going through my bible from confirmation and I was reading some passages, I never thought that reading bible could teach us things.

I also think about the people who have “taken advantage” of me, I know I shouldn’t be bringing this up, but I think it’s a point that I need to clear up and forget. There’s a person that I don’t want to mention but I think it’s necessary, he’s a jerk. But I decided to forgive him and all others. I mean what’s the point of being upset with them, they aren’t the only guilty ones here, I was part of it. But also GOD told us that we need to forgive those who did harm to us doesn’t matter how much harm they did to us. I’m trying not to hold a grudge on them, I learn that having grudges on people it ruins your life. Okay, I think I should end here. I need to get back to work.

Mis Pensamientos

A veces no se que a hacer con mi vida. Cometo un error a otro error, la problema es que es el mismo error. Trato de no cometerlo otra vez pero es muy difícil, no saben que difícil es de no caer en la tentación. Se que tengo que ser fuerte, pero la tentación me mata. Cada mañana me despierto con la sensación de que no voy a poder sobrevivir el día. Todos los días pienso en cada error que he hecho y me pregunto si merezco ser feliz. Esta mañana, yo estaba pensando en Eduardo*, el tipo que me gusta y me dije a mi misma, Eduardo* nunca de va a querer, porque lo que has hecho en el pasado. No se si es verdad, pero quiero saber. No solo el, sino cada tipo por ahí. ¿quién va a aceptar una chica como yo? Se que no debería estar hablando de eso, pero es como me siento. Realmente me pregunto que pensara de mi cuando se entere de mi pasado. ¿me seguirá amando o me dejar? No puedo salir delante de mi mismo, yo primero tengo que salir con el para ver si las cosas salen bien. Acabo de darme cuenta de que estaba escribiendo su nombre en este blog. Tengo que tener cuidado de no escribir si nombre aquí. Mi español es cada vez mejor, no estoy segura porque yo estoy usando GOOGLE para traducir mi ingles al español. Odio que no puedo hablar con fluidez en español.

Mis Ideas, y Mi Felicidad

Saben creo que esta fin de semana me fue de maravilla. Comienzo el viernes pasado que fui a la fiesta de HSBA, Spring Fling que estuvo de poca. Se que ahorita debo que estar haciendo mi tarea pero es que tengo ganas de escribir. Estoy feliz lastima que no pero decir les la razón por mi felicidad. Lo que paso el viernes no lo puedo creer que paso. Lastima que es una memoria, no se cuando será próxima vez que va a pasar eso. Lo importante es que estoy feliz y eso me debe importar mas. OH si, ay algo que si les puedo compartir este pasado 10 de abril mis Chivas jugaron contra las Águilas, el clásico mexicano. Y Ovio ¿saben quien gano? Ovio que Mis Chivas. :D somos los mejores, 3 a 0. Lo pueden creer, un gol de Erick torres el nuevo chicarito de las chivas haha. Y 2 goles de Marco Fabien. Wow. Enserio, piense que las Chivas iban a ganar pero 3 goles enserio? :D Sabes escribir español me esta ayudando mucho pero a la vez también esta difícil por que hay cosas que me quiero expresar y no se como. ¿por qué no puedo hablar y escribir el español bien? Esto pasa cuando nosotros los “mexican american” los mexicanos americanos que nacimos aquí. Crecimos aquí en una nación que la única lenguaje es ingles. Desde que regrese de Mexicali, odio vivando aquí en California. La cultura mexicana es muy diferente de aquí. La educación es mas cultiva, mas estricta… a veces pienso como seria mi vida si crecí en México. Se que la economía no esta el mejor estado por eso no me importa, creo vivir en Mexicali por unos meses quiero saber como se siente vivando en un país diferente.

Spring Break

Mi semana sin escuela empezó con un viaje a Arizona. Y otra vez, siempre me pasa lo mismo. Me voy de viaje por unos días y ¿qué pasa? Siempre tiene que pasar algo conmigo. ¿Por qué no puedo ir a un viaje sin problemas?, sin brocas. Es que trato de “fitting in” pero nunca lo logro. Esta vez me preocupo por que el chavo que me gusta fue y me vi muy mal. Y ahora pienso que me odia. Saben es que no puedo dejar de pensar lo que paso. Nunca me voy a perdonar lo que ese. Ay no se que a hacer con mi vida. Estoy pensando que tomar un ano sin escuela para pensar las cosas más bien, pero no sé. Que creen que debo a hacer. Déjame les digo un consejo, nunca beban mucho, lo digo por experiencia. Estoy aquí sentada viendo la pantalla de mi computadora pienso en cosas. ¿ Porque eso muy necia? ¿Por qué no aprendo mi lección? A ver como mi semana termina.